Guest Article - Grandfatherhood

Whilst this blog is principally about my experiences of fatherhood, at times I'm aiming to have "guest" authors to write articles about their experiences of fatherhood and parenting. To kick start the series, Kelsey's dad has written us a piece about being a first time grandfather (or Papa as Jake will come to know him):

I became a Papa on May 22nd when Jake entered the world. While his tardy and sidewards entrance was exceedingly tough on my daughter Kelsey, Jacob was none the worse for wear. That first night at the hospital I noticed something about the splendid new role of grandfather that I now occupied; it contained all of the joys of parenthood without the anxiety and sense of being overwhelmed.

Our time together in Leeds was amazing. Karyn (a.k.a. Young Nana) and I were able to
appreciate the magic of the first week of life like never before. We helped Kelsey and Ben as they needed it, lined up for sufficient cuddle and feeding time with Jake without depriving the new parents of their bonding experiences, and generally provided the kind of calming influence that comes from experienced parents. Unfortunately after eight days we returned to the States and resorted to long distance phone and Viber updates about Jake from the new parents.

That all changed on August 24th when Kelsey and Ben arrived in Boston with the now two month old Jake. Kelsey provided my next lesson in grand parenthood when she noted how I ran to the stroller to see Baby Jake and forgot to first acknowledge my first born child...opps!
After a quick apology and hug I ran back to see Jacob. When I pushed my face close to his for a proper hello Jake grinned at me and my heart melted. Little did I know that soon we’d be holding regular laughing exchanges, double dimples and all!

As amazing as it was to be holding Jake and reveling in all of his new tricks (smiling, cooing, holding up his head, etc.) watching the new parents in total control of their roles, and working like a well organized team was even better.

Despite the prolonged infections, pain and discomfort that Kelsey had experienced for the first months of Jake’s life she had formed a wonderful relationship with her son. That special mother child bond was in full bloom. For his part Ben was a highly involved, attentive and engaged father who delighted in all of his child’s
abilities and promise.

For five weeks Karyn and I started and ended each day with Jake, Kelsey and Ben. We mastered the universal sign language for “pass me the baby” and retrieved all of the old songs and goofy language that we used with our own kids. Of course we now had the help of 2012 technology. The Iphone allowed us to take great pictures and share them widely, and Pandora gave Jake two radio stations for his very own...imagine our surprise when we discovered Lullabies set to Aerosmith songs.

But even 21st century technology couldn’t buffer me from the sadness of sending Jacob back to England. I was hugging him just before Kelsey and Ben packed him up for the drive to the airport. Jake is usually a pretty busy boy when he is wake and you are holding him. His arms and legs are in fairly constant motion and he occasionally head butts your shoulder if you are not careful. But on the walk for the porch to the car Jake was as quiet as I had ever held him. He nestled against my chest in such a peaceful state that he nearly took my breathe away. And that will be my memory of him until he returns with his parent this Christmas, to show Karyn and I
all of his new tricks and to steal our hearts all over again.

Hopefully this will be the first of many guest articles, feel free to volunteer if you feel that you'd like to write something!

Jake at 3 months

As I write the title for this blog, it amazes me how quickly times flies. It was around this time last year that we found out that we were having a baby and I distinctly remember the butterflies that hit my stomach when the test came up positive. A year on, and Kelsey has gone through the whole pregnancy experience and we have a wonderful 3 month old baby on our hands.

His third month has largely been spent in America with his mother's side of the family and he has been thoroughly spoiled, not just in terms of presents but also in terms of attention. It's a rare day when he won't be cuddled by at least four people and with every day he seems more and more able to interact with people.

The smiles from the second month have become giggles and almost laughter, and he now has a wide range of noises to show his approval. Jake also engages in basic exchanges, so that when you make a noise at him, he'll make one back (providing he's in the right mood). The big change mentally that we've all noticed is his ability to track and notice faces. He's now drawn to anything with eyes, nose and a mouth and will actively move his head if he thinks that a face is nearby. Again, it's great to be able to watch these small steps build up to big changes over time.

After many weeks of having a long but scrawny looking baby, Jake has definitely started to bulk up over the last couple of weeks. His head is growing larger and he is finally developing the big rolls of baby fat on his thighs and arms that we've seen on his cousins and baby group friends for a while. Whilst this a good thing for him physically, it brings a new dimension to carrying him around as he's getting almost too heavy for one arm holding. It feels more comfortable and natural to carry him laying down but unless he's really tired, he will scream to be sat upright again.

We're also marking his 3 month birthday, and his ability to hold his head up straight for extended periods of time, by turning him face out in his baby sling. He thinks this is the best thing ever and it's hard to forget that he's only little and can only handle so much visual stimulation at one time. We took him out into the woods behind Kelsey's parent's house yesterday and got lost for time among the trees and rocks. We got back about an hour later and he cried for a while through being over tired. However, we live and learn and today we took him out and remembered to put him back in his pram after 25 minutes, which seemed to work much better.

So we've got a few more days here, then back to grey England and the start of the next chapter in all of our lives.

P.S.
If you want to see pictures of Jake, I'm posting them to albums on Facebook which you can access here:
ttp://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150984045132363.491901.509472362&type=3&l=f1454ce72

Changing Jake

Back in the PBE, if anyone asked me if I wanted to change a nappy on their new baby, I managed to politely refuse every time, putting it carefully in the "things I'd really rather not do" section. Now, I'm changing his nappy four or five times a day (with Kelsey doing the others) and you get to the point where you don't even think about it.

Early Days

After getting peed on a few times at the start, I started to get sneaky with strategically placed baby wipes and getting the next nappy ready asap which seems to work. There is still the occasional leakage, generally from one or other of us putting a nappy early in the morning before we've fully woken up, but it's amazing how quickly you get the hang of it.

Reusables

When we first found out that Kelsey was pregnant, we decided very early on that we wanted to use cloth nap pies as a way of reducing our landfill impact. So far, we've used disposable ones all the way. At the start this was due to the general panic about Kelsey's condition and then it was the run-in to the end of term and getting ready for our trip. We have a large pile ready to go, and I'm hoping that we'll be able to make the transition to reusable nappies when we get back in September.

Location, Location

One of the things you learn very quickly as a parent is packing a nappy bag. The number of times that Jake gets caught short whilst we're out and about would be embarrassing for anyone else. Most of the time we're at someone's house, so it's not a problem to pitch up a portable changing table on a spare surface. When we're out, however, it can be a little more tricky to find somewhere clean and quiet to sort Jake out. My favourite random locations so far include:
- on a bar at a breakfast restaurant. I sadly didn't have my camera to capture Jake trying to pull his first pint.
- in the back of the car at a petrol station in the rain.
- in the tiny toilets on an aeroplane.

Changing Expectations

You quickly find that as a father that a large number of eating establishments are not geared up to help men with babies. Most of the larger supermarkets that we've been to (i.e. those with toilets) have either a dedicated baby changing room or have baby changing facilities in both sets of toilets. In restaurants, however, if they do have baby changing they are typically located in the women's toilet. In some cases the women's doubles up as the disabled toilet, but it can be frustrating when my options are to risk going in to the ladies loo or to try and find some space on a floor in the mens. A straw poll of my female friends shows that it's probably OK for me to use the ladies if that's where the changing facilities are. However, I still feel it would cost so little to install a small fold down table and an extra bin for nappies in the men's loo that it seems churlish to only put the changing table in the ladies. (a final note to say that there are some enlightened restaurants of which I'm slowing making a list for a future post).

I think my favourite thing of all about changing Jake is how happy he is afterwards not be wet or dirty. It's a great time to talk and get some big gummy smiles from him and even if we're in someone else's home, I'll still take a couple of minutes to play with him before we go back.

Citizenship

One of the best things about being in America this summer is that we get to watch most of the Olympics in the morning, leaving the afternoons and evenings free for visits and walks. It also means that we're not caught up in any of the traffic or the mild hysteria that seems to have taken over most of the UK population in some way shape or form. I wouldn't consider myself a British patriot by any stretch of the imagination and it's interesting to see my friends showing British pride and excitement over the comparative success of Team GB. Being in America right now does put things in perspective as barely an hour goes by without another American medal and it makes for a very different sporting experience when you're watching with people who expect continual success in just about every sport.

The whole Olympic experience has made me think about Jake's citizenship and what it actually means. At the moment, he holds a British passport but will also be able to claim American citizenship through Kelsey. It is our intention when we get back to England to make an appointment at the American embassy to register his birth (though part of me doesn't understand why we can't do it whilst we're here) and thus allow him to carry both passports.

However, our current game plan is to get my teaching qualification and move to the US at some point during 2014, meaning that Jake will have only spent 2 years in the UK and will spend his formative years over here. This will probably mean that my son will sound more like his mother than me and will grow up learning about the world from the American perspective. Will that make him truly American or will the fact that he has a British father and a whole half (ish) of his extended family lives in England give him a British aspect to his personality.

For me, Jake brings into question what we mean by being a citizen of somewhere. In one part, it's the real sense of passports, voting, paying taxes and where you live. In another part, it's about the values you hold, your cultural references and your view of the world. For example, whilst Kelsey has lived in the UK for most of her 20s and has the right to live there permanently, she is still American to the core, regardless of how much her friends and family tease her about her faux English accent.

What being American or being British means is hard to pin down as it varies from person to person and region to region. I think what we want for Jake is for him to be raised with the values and world view of his parents, extended family and friends as they are the ones that we feel will help him best in this world. Some of these will be British, some of these will be American, but all of them will be Jake.

Role Modelling

For the most part, this blog has covered issues that apply to both parents of new babies and while I write from a male perspective, the thoughts and ideas could apply to anyone. However, this post aims to be a break from the norm as a couple of things have happened recently to make me think about my role as a father and how others view this role.

I spend most of my working life being a positive male role model, both for the children and school staff. It's not something that I think about a lot or try to make a particular effort for, but it's an important part of my work that I can and will continue to offer in the classroom.

As a father, however, I think about what I'm doing and saying most of the time. For example I try to spend as much time as possible when we're out and about with Jake in front of me, either in my arms or in the pram. My work colleagues will say that this is in part because I like to be in charge. It's also partly due to the fact that Kelsey spends all day at home with him so I like to give her break, and also I miss him so it's a good chance to catch up. However, for the most part it's to try and change some of the common stereotypes of fathers. A couple of things brought home the importance of this role modelling recently:

- We went for breakfast this morning (one of my favourite things to do out here) and we were talking to the ladies at the next table who were naturally admiring Jake. He started fussing to be changed and as I'd finished my food I took him. They were very impressed that I'd done that and whilst there was nothing malicious in their comments, I knew that they wouldn't have batted an eyelid if Kelsey had taken him.
- A new TV series is starting in the US in September about three dads and their babies. The trailers appear full of stereotypes about men not knowing how to take care of their babies effectively and whilst I'm hoping that the writers are sensitive to the guys and give them space to grow and learn, the fact that this is set up as a comedy irks me.

To be clear, I don't want to make myself a martyr to fatherhood, and i certainly won't take over from Kelsey as it's an equal partnership throughout (as far as possible). However, I will continue to take care of my son in public and to play with him and talk to him as I see fit wherever I am. I won't shove my ideas down others throats but I hope to make some changes to people's perceptions of fatherhood through my words and actions towards Kelsey and Jake.

Perspectives

This post is motivated by the sad and untimely passing of the father of one of our close friends. She sent out one of the most beautifully written emails I've ever read which acted as a way of breaking the news and as a way of paying tribute to her dad. She talked about her memories and what she had learned from him over the years and it was clear to see the closeness of their bond over the years. Having met the man myself on numerous occasions, you could see the high esteem in which he held my friend and how much he meant to her.

Talking to her after the event made me realise just how much of an impact our fathers have on us and how much of an impact I will have on Jake over the course of his life. It puts my relationship with my own father into perceptive and it pleases me that we're in regular contact and able to spend quality time together. It's interesting that over the last couple of years our relationship has changed slightly from father and son to adult to adult, able to talk properly about his life as well as mine. When we told him that we were pregnant, we spent a long time talking about his parenting style and I can begin to see my childhood from his perspective. A lot of things that I took for granted such as spending quality time with just my dad or cooking for the whole family take on a whole new look when you realise that they were planned events organised by my parents. It also gave me a lot of good ideas that I want to put into place with Jake and his siblings as he grows up. One thing that is for sure is that I am beginning to fully appreciate the hard work that my dad, and my mum, put in to giving me the opportunity to be the man and father that I am today.

The passing of my friend's dad motivates me to maintain a positive relationship with him and to teach him as much as I can about my approach to the world in the hopes that he'll see me as a role model for how to live his life. I just hope that when my time comes that Jake feels moved to write an equally impressive tribute as my friend wrote for her father.