Tears

It would be an understatement to say that the last 9 days have been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been some excellent highs such as the first time we managed more than 2 hours sleep, and some epic lows, when everything that could be wrong was. We couldn't have made it through without Dan and Karyn Forbes, Kelsey's wonderful parents who have been with us up till today. Even though we've thanked them every day for their support and help with getting us through these tough times, I wanted to express my gratitude on here. From the first time that Dan came and took a crying Jake off my hands after a sleeplessness night to emotional support offered to Kelsey by her mum, I think it's fair to say that we couldn't have done it without out them. Before I get started on the subject of this post, I want to celebrate them with some photos we took today:

So on to today's subject. Tears. I have to admit that I've never been a big one for crying. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those guys who have never shed a tear, but I tend to keep my emotions in check, or at least I did until Jake turned up. I have cried more in the last 9 days than I have in the last 9 years, yet the tears represent so many different things.

There were tears of fear in the operating theatre when I didn't know or understand what was happening to Kelsey. There were tears of excitement when I first held him and tears of fatigue on the first night at home when we got to sleep at 7am. Last night there were tears of pure joy as I lay on my back with my baby boy lying on top of me, fast asleep and cozy as could be. When we first decided to have a baby, I had some images of what it would be like to have a newborn. Most of these included Kelsey by my side doing various different things, but this was the first time that reality had lived up to my expectations. I think they were also tears of love, a sort of overwhelming feeling to care for and cherish this little person sleeping on top of me.

As things become more settled around here, I feel that my tears will fall less regularly, but I don't think that feeling that I experienced last night will ever go away.

What We've Learned

After what felt like a serious post last time, I want to celebrate the fact that we've managed to keep a small human being alive for a whole week with something fun. Below are two lists of what Jake's learned this week, and what Kelsey and I have learned too. I'm going to try do this every Tuesday for the forseeable future while his rate of development and our learning curve is very high. I'll also put in some of my favourite Jake pictures from that week too.

What Jake's Learned
- it's always sunny in Yorkshire
- eye contact is important
- sleeping for more than an hour
- everyone who comes into contact with him thinks he's handsome
- pooping on yourself feels horrible, peeing on other people can be fun
- crying will always get you what you want, eventually
- being on the outside is better than being on the inside (of the womb)

What We've Learned
- how to cope on cycles of less than three hours of sleep at a time
- the world is a better place with coffee/pepsi
- watching someone else poop is disgusting
- that we both know more songs to sing in the middle of the night than we would have thought possible
- how to do many things with a baby in one hand
- gaping is a horrible word
- swaddling is amazing
- the change in mindset that says that poop in a nappy is a sign of good health
- the simple joy of cuddling your own child

Who knows what the next week will bring? In the meantime, here's some of my favourites from week 1:

Decisions

I thought that writing this blog would be easy to do every day with the amount that Jake sleeps. However, it doesn't factor in the amount of time it takes to clean up around him, as well as getting some well need rest and relaxation for Kelsey and I! You end up living your life in hourly sections, so making any sort of plan is tough. As we speak, Kelsey's parents have gone out for the evening and Kelsey and Jake are napping upstairs, so I wanted to get down some thoughts while they're fresh.

The big change that's happened is that Kelsey and I have decided that we're going to formula feed Jacob. There's a whole host of reasons behind this decision, and as I've always said, as long as the decision is based on the best information you have available, it's a good decision.

Some of the factors are physical, in that Kelsey has been in a lot of pain through breast feeding and is finding it hard alongside the pain from her labour. Some of it is practical. I've always wanted to share the raising of Jake as evenly as possible and it's hard when Kelsey was the one who was up every few hours in the night. Formula feeding means that I can do it too. Last night we alternated his feeds and it meant that we each slept for around 5 or 6 hours, which has been unheard of so far. Some of them are emotional, as Kelsey has found the whole breast feeding experience difficult, she sometimes got upset when Jake wanted to feed. This way round, she looks forward to spending some quality time with him each time he starts to chew on his fingers or tries to suckle on my biceps. Some of the reasons are for health. Jake's digestive system wasn't working properly during breast feeding, but since we switched to formula yesterday morning, all systems are go, and I've now suffered the indignity that every father of a son goes through of being peed on during a nappy change.

Having given those reasons, it's an incredibly hard decision to make. All the health care professionals that we've come into contact with hardily recommend breastfeeding, so going against their advice makes me feel anxious. There's also tales from our families and neighbours about people in similar positions who pushed through, which makes us wonder if we're not being tough enough. However, it's a decision based on keeping Jake happy and healthy as well keeping Kelsey happy and healthy. As for me, if those two are doing ok, then everything is alright in my world.

P.s. For those looking for pics of Jake (and our little family) I will post some on here soon. In the meantime, go here

The first few days

Another adventure calls for another blog. This time round, it's going to be longer than marathon training and be about more than just food. In part this will act as a way of sharing my experiences with you, dear reader, and in part it will act as a permanent diary for me as a record of all the changes and lessons over the coming months and years.

I've been meaning to start this blog for a while now and keep coming up with different topics that I wanted as my first post. Rather than write lots of different posts, I'm going to make this a long first post and then try to stay on top of things from here on. I also want to be as honest as possible about the whole experience of being a father. Please don't mistake this honesty for a lack of love for Jacob, who I adore even more than my cat Pollo.

The Birth

Nothing quite prepares you for the moment when the midwife passes you your newly scrubbed baby and you look down at him. In the movies you always get the strings and big hearts in the eyes, and for me it was a little like that. My main emotion however was that of shock, that something that had always been an idea and a dream was now a reality. The honest truth is also that newborn babies straight out of the womb are not the prettiest of things. Jake was definitely purple and grey in places, covered in dry blood and with some nasty looking red marks from the forceps. However, I was still determined to hang on to him until they made me let him go to be weighed.

Working It Out

The parents of the kids I work with often complain that there's no manual for a baby and while there is plenty of advice and support out there, your baby is completely unique and you have to work out what works for you. The first full night that we had at home was horrendous. Jake had been very well mannered during the day at the hospital, sleeping a lot and even allowing himself to bathed and tested without complaining too much. I'm not sure what I thought our first nights would be like, but I had imagined a few hours sleep interrupted by some feeding and comforting. Jake had other plans. While we could comfort him and get him to feed ok, he found it hard to sleep by himself in his crib. We both shed some tears as it got on to 5am and we still hadn't slept. I could have hugged Kelsey's father Dan when he came in at 7am to offer some support and we managed a couple of hours of sleep. It's all trial and error and I think that Karyn put it best when she said that you spend your time working out what works for him and you for right now.

Steep Learning Curves

No matter how bad things get, as long as you're working together, you do come through the other side, often with lots of learning under your belt. Babies need to be burped. If he's awake, he's awake and doesn't want to sleep. Be calm and he'll be calm. Tag team parenting means that at least one of you can sleep at a time. It's then a question of remembering these lessons and being able to apply them to the next time you hit that scenario. Our second night was a little better as we made sure we burped him a little and swaddled him well. We got around 4 hours of sleep, and discovered the fun of taking him for walks around the kitchen. I sang to him, trying to work out what songs I knew and what songs I could remember my parents singing to me. Kelsey apparently timed herself for loops of the kitchen island, giving Jake a baseball style commentary as she went. He's getting to the point where if you hold him close enough he'll watch your eyes and mouth with interest, which is an amazing experience.

Friends

You don't realise how much of a support network you have in your friends and family until something big happens. The number of people who have offered help, support and advice over the last 3 days has been breathtaking and makes you realise that you're not in this by yourself. In some cases, just knowing that you can ask for help makes the problem go away as you know that you'll find a solution somehow. In other cases, it's the emotional strength that just having your friends and family around that helps. We had our first social engagement last night for a few of our friends and while they took great pleasure in seeing Jake, we both took great pleasure in catching up and having conversations that weren't exclusively about the baby. The fact that Jake has such a large number of interested, excited and engaged aunts and uncles (as opposed to blood related Aunts and Uncles, as I was explaining to him at 3am this morning) will mean that he'll get so many different viewpoints and understandings about the world that it makes me feel excited for his future.

That's about it for now. Hopefully future posts will be limited to one subject. If there's anything you want to know about or for me to expand on, leave a comment.